Life Mapping with Monika & Everett

Create The Vision of Your Ideal Life with Monika

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Part 2:  Love & Relationships

In this blog, I want to share my own relationship journey.  I hope you will be encouraged and inspired to know you can attract someone who is perfectly compatible with you.

As a spiritual and intuitive person, I spent a lot of my life checking out each person who came across my path for their purpose and to get the lesson and blessing from that relationship or interaction.  So in my youth, I fell in love easily and frequently.  Sometimes I knew it was a passing fling.  Other times I wasn’t sure.  And there my mother was to support my thinking that relationship no matter how long or short, served a purpose in our lives and when that purpose was accomplished you should release that person with love for all that you gained, learned, and experienced and move to the next lesson.

As we age, we learn.  So after my divorce and some fun and not so fun dating experiences, I moved to a place of surrender about my next life partner.  I decided not to worry about it but to have fun.  I changed my prayer/mantra from a detailed list of qualities I wanted in all my relationships both business and personal to “I don’t know what I need, so please send me a man who is perfectly compatible with me”.  And I just decided to have fun with my male friends.  My self-love journey supported me from settling for any relationship and moved to me accept that I was not going to be in a romantic relationship until it was time.  And I had plenty of love in my life. I worked on continuing to open my heart, accept myself, and enjoy life and be happy

with my current reality.  All things I had worked on for years, I put my renewed attention there again.

Then I met Everett one winter night in my neighborhood bar after hanging out with one of my best

friends.  It was a group of strangers who introduced us and pulled us into conversation about dancing

and where the best places to find social dancing were in Cleveland.  They were trying to convince this guy, Everett, that Cleveland was a good place to live and that he just needed to find the right people.  That’s how I got roped into the conversation. We laughed, we danced, we

exchanged information and promised to keep in touch. We had a lot of fun that night.

I was friendly and we started hanging out as friends and I showed him some fun places around town as he was new and on and on…  And I noticed who he was as a person, his values and character.  We had fun together.  And in different moments, I felt challenged as my heart opened to meet his.  It was surprising, and a little scary too.  I thought after all this time… OMG!  And I took it slow and worked to keep my eyes open and move in the best and most authentic way possible.  For what seemed like the first time in my life, I consciously waited for him to set the tone and the boundaries and for him to make the first move, and the second, and the third.  I didn’t put up walls.  I didn’t make up a story – good or bad about where this was going.  I stayed in the moment with what was real.  I patiently waited to see what and how things would unfold.  For my women readers, this was really critical in allowing him to choose me and pursue me and for me to see what kind of man he was vs the man I wanted him to be.  This was in extreme contrast to my old habit of trying to MAKE things happen.  I’m just saying.  And at each step of the way, he proved to be a person who was sincere, capable, a man of great integrity, with values that aligned with my values, lifestyle and spiritual beliefs.  Over time, we began to talk about what kind of relationship we wanted to have.  He was very clear, “Clear your dance card.  I know you have men that take you places and do things for you.  Give me a chance and I can do all of those things and more.”  Mind you, we had not had sexual relations yet.  This was also a change for me, that he initiated.  We talked night after night over coffee.  We got to know each other.  One night he asked me to write down my deal breakers.  The things that if he did them, would end or do irreparable damage to the relationship.  He moved closer.  We started falling in love.  The intimacy and sex was great!  He began to introduce to me his world and family and the people who were most important in his life.  Eventually we committed to each other and later he asked me to marry him.

So I want you to think about the questions below and check in on where you are with yourself, your current life partner or any potential life partners.

  1. Are our values aligned, not just in words but in actions?
  2. Do our goals align in ways that create synergy?
  3. What am I bringing to the table that will support our partnership?
  4. What are they bringing to the table that will support our partnership?
  5. Do we each have the capacity to work together?
  6. Will it be fun? Enjoyable?
  7. Is there alignment in our values, lifestyle, and perspectives? Are we compatible in how we think about and use ourselves, our resources or create new resources to get what we want? Are our material wants, desires and approaches compatible?

These are important questions.  They need to be answered based on us observing each other’s actions, not what we think or aspire to do and be, not what we say we are about, but what we really do based on our actions.  I say we because this is true for you and the prospective life partner.

No judgement but a true discernment about “what is” right now.  I spent years in a relationship based on potential.  I thought my first husband and I were working our plan only to find out he was just dreaming.  His words said he wanted to build an empire.  His actions said he wanted to go to work, come home, drink a beer, relax and watch the game.  This was a huge mismatch to my own ambition and an anchor.  My current husband, is adjusting to the fact that he is only working one job for the first time in his adult life and has joined me to work to take our plan to the next level.  Our life together is easy.  We work things out and come to agreement quickly.  There is harmony and peace and joy.  He is perfectly compatible with me and we are creating a life together that we both love.  There is alignment in our values, vision, lifestyle, and commitments.  We have both done our inner work and were moved to a place of surrender just as the Universe brought us together on that fateful night.  And we were both open to the exploration.

Part 1: Self Love

Its Valentine’s Day this week and there is so much to say about LOVE that this will be a week-long blog fest.

First, LOVE of self.  My dad used to always tell me as a young woman, you can’t love anyone until you love yourself.  I didn’t get it.  I was looking for love to “complete me”.

So what does it mean to love you?  How do you know you love yourself?  What should you be paying attention to?

When you love yourself, you move away from self-judgement.  You lovingly look at who you are, your attributes and your challenges, places where you are hurt and places where you have joy, you get “real” with yourself in a most loving way.  And then you accept where you and who you are and your journey up until this  moment.  It is only then can you begin to discern any parts of your spirit that you want to heal.  With acceptance, you can begin to discern what attributes you want to keep and grow with and what things about yourself you want to change.  When you look at what you want in life and your goals, you can see what is helping to create the life you want and what gets in your way.  And you lovingly begin to move into action to become the amazing human being you were always meant to be.

I remember creating a mantra about the kind of relationship I wanted to attract.  I was healing from a dysfunctional one and putting the power of thought and language and vision into action.  I remember standing in the bathroom every morning and every night after I brushed my teeth and saying:  “Monika, I love you just the way you are. “ Then crying. I’d then say: “I am in mutually beneficial relationships that are respectful, loving, sensuous, sexual, caring, gentle, joyful, ….” And I had a long list.  And I would cry.  I said this every day until I began to cry less.  I said thie every day until one day, I said it without crying and began to embody the words.  I said it until I began to see the changes in me and in my relationships in business and friendships.  I kept saying this mantra for years, until I noticed how happy I had become with myself and who I had become.  I worked through the heartache and let it go.  I worked through the disappointments and let them go.  I worked through so many things that needed to be healed so I would be healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship. I “cleaned my plate” as my husband calls it and got ready for the kind of intimate relationship, the kind of life partner I truly wanted.  But first I had to become a person who embodied the attributes that I was looking for in order to attract that kind of person.  I had to change.  I noticed, I had a more positive attitude.  I noticed less judgement in my words and thoughts and I developed the ability to catch myself.  I noticed I was settling less.  I noticed a change in approach to how I allowed others to treat me.  I just didn’t accept anything less than.  But it wasn’t with anger or any frenetic energy in my spirit or words, it was just as matter of fact as me saying the sky was blue.  I’d say “This isn’t going to work for me.  Can we do X?  This will allow me to Y and you to still get what you want or need.”  I learned to love myself.  And I was happy, truly happy.

What is your self-love process?  How are you healing and finding your way back to your true self?

Part 3: Unconditional Love

This is the third part of this Valentine’s Series on Love.  Exploring unconditional love.

So what is unconditional love and how do we get it?  Feels like a big questions.  A million dollar question.

Webster defines unconditional as a state of no conditions, a state of absolute, unqualified.  Absolute meaning without question and something that is there no matter what.  Unqualified indicates that you don’t have to do anything to deserve or earn it.  In this case love.

The word Love on the other hand is defined by words like strong affection for another,  attraction,  adoration, tenderness, a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion, endearment, brotherly concern for others.  But my favorite … an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.

 

So unconditional love could be defined as the unselfish concern for the good of yourself or another person.  Wishing and acting to create the best for one’s self and for others.

 

Sometimes it feels like an aching in my heart, a longing for that other person when they are absent or when you know that they are going through something that is painful emotionally or physically.

Sometimes it feels like peace.  There is nothing wrong.  Only good appears in my emotions, thoughts, actions when I direct my attention to myself or another person.

Sometimes it is an overwhelming warmth and light that surrounds me no matter who I think about or what the situation.  There is no judgement or doubt, no worry or fear, only light, peace, joy, and happiness.  It is not dependent on anything.

 

Unconditional love is like air.  It simply exists and we can enjoy it, pass it on, share it, use it, in any way we choose.  More and more, I am able to tap into that place of unconditional love and hold space for the world and its animals and people with compassion for all of their beauty, amazement, flaws, and pain places and truly see the perfection of their spirit and what needs to be healed for them to live in that perfection.  This is without judgement or attachment or the need to act, fix, rescue.  I just sit in the current reality with the energy of unconditional love.

 

Love is an action and a choice we make every moment of every day.  We choose to move in love. We choose to act out of love. We choose to act in ways that maintain a person’s dignity and respect and humanity.  We choose to listen and put their wants before our wants for them.  We choose to set healthy boundaries that keep ourselves and the other person safe. We choose support their choices even when we don’t agree. We place no condition on the emotional availability of our feelings for them.  They are absolute and unqualified.

 

I learned about unconditional love through my parents and my children.  Even when I disappointed my parents, displayed crazy  adolescent behavior, made bad choices, my parents loved me and never denied that love.  When my children came into the world, I was overcome with unconditional love.  I found myself making all manner of sacrifices for their well-being.  Making choices that were strategic and allowed me to make a way for them.  My prayers changed to be more about them than about myself.  And as my father and Duchess aged, I found myself helpless to change the situation and I had to simply love them through the everyday and support them maintaining their dignity and respect no matter what was happening to their bodies and their minds.  I would just sit with them in silence, holding their hand when possible and allow my heart to open to their spirit and presence just because I loved them.  I had no needs or requests.  I was just present.

 

I have had the word love on my desk for the past 8 years.  I came out of the closet with love as a value, pledging to do everything with love.  I put the word on my desk to remind me of that commitment.  I have learned so much about love that I can’t even articulate.  I will say it is the most powerful action any of us can undertake.  Love, the unconditional act of love can move mountains and change the world.  I am committed to love, to hold and embody this energy and to take the action it requires.  I am committed to continue to learn about love and its power.  So what have you learned about unconditional love and where does it show up in your life?  Happy Valentine’s Day!

Deep Listening – Retro 2011

I posted this piece in 2011.  I think it is simplifies the idea of deep listening in a very personal way when it was not easy.  My relationship with my son during the height of his teen years challenged me to step up and grow.  Listening is one of the technologies featured in my new book, the Technology of Doing Creating and Being.  Check it out and let me know what you think.

Aged couple reading a book on the couch
How are you listening to those who you love?

Listening (posted on Facebook Life Mapping Group 09-28-2011)

I am rediscovering deep listening. It has been coming up in my own work and with my clients. To listen is to open all of your senses to hear what is there in the present. It may start with being able to listen to your heart beat at will no matter where you are. Listening to your spirit whispering “call her” or “go left”. How many times have I ignored or missed those quiet messages only to realize afterwards that had I listened instead of questioned, I would have stood in a better place, missed traffic, been available for a friend. Listening is not thinking. It is not waiting for your turn to speak. Deep listening is taking in the other person, nature, yourself in ways that are so complete that thoughts are not available. My son has been telling me I never listen. Today I realize that he is right. When we talk, I have so much fear, so many thoughts, and questions that I can’t hear what he is saying. His expression doesn’t come the way I expect. He is not easy to understand as his expression is full of emotionality that triggers my fears and my own baggage and there in is the miss. Today, I get to practice listening more closely to my heart beat, to my breathing, to my spirit, to my clients, to my son.

Deep Listening

 

There are so many distractions to our personal interactions that we are often shuttling

back and forth between our phones, computers, and the person we most want to be in connection with.  We substitute virtual interaction for actual contact with another human being.  And then when we do get face to face or voice to voice, it’s almost like we have forgotten how to attend to another human being and give them our focused attention.

 

I even find myself doing that with my beloved sons and my beloved husband.  And there is nothing that says I love you or I respect you or you are important to me, like your full attention.

 

Deep listening is a skill that we have the opportunity to learn and master.  It requires that you open up all of your senses to be present for yourself or another person and give them or yourself your real and total attention and focus.  We can listen with more than just our ears.  We have the ability to listen in real time on many levels.  We listen with our entire being – our ears, our eyes, our sense of smell, our touch, our spirits.  We listen to what is said and what is left unsaid.  Deep listening requires you give up your agenda and wants for the moment to take the other person in fully and completely.

 

The value of deep listening – giving another person your full and undivided attention – that person feels seen and heard and this is a transformational experience.  This is in part why I think that coaching services have taken off in such a powerful way.  To have another person whose only goal is to listen and attend to you for any period of time is powerful.

 

When you give yourself that undivided attention to still your mind and listen beyond words to your spirit, that place inside of each of us that speaks without words you have the opportunity to get the answers to your deepest questions.  This may take a little practice before you actually can discern or trust the message that you get.  And it is so worth the effort.  Now when I am stuck in any interaction, I only need go inside for a moment to ground and listen and the answer that I am looking for is right there before me.  Just try it.  Be still.  Clear your mind, quiet your thoughts and connect to your spirit.  Ask a question you have been pondering and then be still and listen.

 

Next lesson – to trust the answer that you get, especially when it is not the answer you thought you would arrive at…. trust your spirit.

Join me for the next Life Mapping Conference Call – Winter Solstice on December 21, 2017 at 8 pm EST